♥azi / 4:52 PM

my all time favourite coldplay song, baby!
the lyrics are amazing.

I'm going back to the start.
:)

♥azi / 2:46 AM

Oh, remember i mentioned before about one of my patients did a Death Star from Lego? well, he passed on yesterday morning.

sigh.

May the heavens be with you, sir

♥azi / 2:34 AM

oops. guessed i watched it already.
BUT i dont mind watching AGAIN!!!!. hur hur.
=D

im not going to lie that we cried our eyes out. coz we did.
and i used the most tissues. HAAA. thanks to our mr. ex president for supplying for me the tissues when i dropped by his workplace.

i feel that the movie is a sign for me lar.
no, really. not only for me i guess, for other ppl too.
but especially for me =p HAA.

it was one of the best cries ever.
cos you know there are other people crying in the theater for the same reason.
macam mass crying session.

doodeedoo.

♥azi / 11:04 PM

i'll be sure to bring extra tissues tomorrow.

♥azi / 10:46 PM

oh yes,
i still very much feel the same way as before.

♥azi / 11:21 PM

oh crap. i shud sleep.
but i cant, cos i refuse to take the drowsy medication. jus cos it makes me drowsy and high. i was having double vision for while, and light-headed. haha.

(pictures from today)




no i wasnt crying.




this is from last saturday.
featuring the dude Q-ing behind us. thanks arh. hehe





i need answers. please give me reasons/explanations.

♥azi / 11:13 PM

night drive is the best thing ever man..
ever ever.
the best.

im up if anyone wana join. just call to check if im working or not. haha. dn have my number? jus ... email me or something. oh, it'll be great if you can read maps in case we got lost. hehe.

and haya,
you NEED to improve your map reading skills.

seriously.

♥azi / 8:59 PM

Will be screened in Feb08.
Not sure if it'll be in Sg by then.
And hopefully the religious controversy won't prevent it from being screened here.

♥azi / 8:42 PM

This is what happens when Syukri can't throw his toys around.
Oh, and Alya (M.C.K) just wont stop asking for you.

♥azi / 4:48 PM

went for fitting for the new uniform last wed.

OMG lar. its super tak style to the max. i swear to God, i rather wear the NYP uniform (which i miss wearing. heh). seriously! its so ..... bleah!
boo boo!!!

erks.
URTI sucks. my throat is swarmed with ulcers, that i cant even swallow my own saliva. paaiiinffuullll *cries* and when i did, i feel like puking.

-WAILS-

aku pilu dan sakit.
oh di maner, wahai McDreamy ku?

♥azi / 11:38 AM

when your family doctor notice you are depressed, it means, you are really really sick. holistically sick. sigh.

♥azi / 11:44 PM

i never felt so GLAD to feel superbly sleepy at this hour.
this is good.

after so long, my body is responding, and going against me by making me fall sick.

♥azi / 10:13 PM

looks like the one who takes care of the sick, is caught up with the flu bug.
now that sucks.

im blaming the prata BOMB!

♥azi / 10:27 AM

i love mornings.

♥azi / 1:23 AM

ARGH. yes i am jealous, cos some people are going to watch the private screening of Yasmin Ahmad's "Muallaf" tomoro.

GRRRRR.

nvm dude, I know your lil secret with Kak Yasmin.
=p just joking.

enjoy, boys..


PS: Oh yeah, PS I Love You, here we come!

♥azi / 1:15 AM

♥azi / 10:48 PM

the course i went for today kinda ended beautifully, and quite depressingly. cos they touched topic on "End of Life/Death & Dying". it's nothing new in my line, but, its quite emotionally challenging for me.

my mind and thoughts were kinda dozing in and out, until the lecturer said something that got me thinking;

"Why give flowers after flowers during the funeral? I mean, it is fine to show your condolences. But, the deceased won't be there to see them in person, nor you are able to see their reaction when you give them. Why not show them your care, concern and love when they are still alive.. Wouldnt it be more meaningful?"

There were a few times where i almost teared.
Maybe thats the other reason why i am wide awake - trying to control my tears.

♥azi / 10:23 PM

I don't understand how some people can be SO rude or ungrateful or unappreciative after ALL the things we did for them. No, im not asking them to kiss my hand and bow to me or start building Death Star using Lego (come by my ward, and you'll see one of them. yes, there's more than one. that's why you're in mind every single day) , but at least show a decent sign of appreciation. Or just a friggin smile lar, sial.

Instead they shout for no apparent reason, or attempt to throw things. Wat the fuck?! Like, we are humans with feelings and problems too motherfuckers! I swear, i would throw something too. But i was being professional, and swallowing my anger.

I mean, really now. Don't their parents teach them some values?
Memang kurang ajar.
Literally.

On days like these, it's nice to know there's someone to fall back to.

Like i said, nurses have shitty lives.
I had a goddamn shitty, fking shitty week.
But the shitty-ness kinda began on last Dec, and lingered on till ... now.

I longed for a good sleep.
Like, dreamless and uninterrupted sleep. Ear plugs and Piriton dont work either. Perhaps Piriton only works when you're sick. Sigh. I still cant snooze. In fact, im tired of closing my eyes trying to sleep. And im having the PM/AM/PM/AM shift, so sleep is what i neeeeeeeed. ARGH. Then tomoro got course, like. WOW. room filled with 30 raging and menopausal hormones (i saw the name list, there's 30 female nurses attending it -__________- not in a mood to socialise and talk about Birkenstock shoes or the latest NTUC Union offers).

how about that huh? save me anyone? please.

SHITE.

♥azi / 9:56 PM

oh yeah baby,
im all prepared for Friday's mission.

from dusk to dawn.
rain or shine.
and will appreciate the art of travelling light.

lucky it's also a pay-day. amin.

♥azi / 11:26 PM

the only fear i have now is when the night approaches.
no, not becos of the evil bugs that crawl in my lingerie drawer.

just, getting through the night, is the most challenging thing i ever have to do.
getting through it, without waking up with swollen eyes. or with tissues everywhere.

without breaking.

it is the hardest thing to do, now, every day.

♥azi / 10:14 PM

i love long walks.

especially after work.
especially after night and afternoon shift.

it helps to clear (sort-of) my mind. and then start having depressing thoughts and eventually cry. but the main reason is becos of the sky.

like tonight, the moon. its so bright, it lit up the clouds surrounding it, making it as beautiful and significant as the moon. very pretty dont you think? ironically, the moon isnt that pretty upclose. some areas have impacted craters, featureless plains.

just like this girl i know. nah, she's not as pretty as the moon from far.
but the state of her inside, is as messed up as the surface of the moon.

especially, her heart.

♥azi / 10:13 PM

i miss school.

♥azi / 1:28 AM

ok im going to do what i had always ALWAYS planned to do.

stargaze.

lie on a mat, with bubbles,
Jason Mraz's Bella Luna playing in the background.
or John Mayer songs.
or Take That songs.

and a box of tissues just in case.

provided its a good weather.

and ... it's just too bad lah kan for me to be this way.
sigh.

"The many bubbles
That we blew
They’re like my troubles
Away, they flew"

♥azi / 1:03 AM

half of the time, i want to just fucking slap that other girl.
i swear, i wanted to. i wanted to make a freaking scene.
i wanted to really bash her up. i really wanted to kill her.
i really wanted to hurt her, badly.

i know, i could.

it angers me knowing what she did.
it saddens me knowing it was with you,
when you were still with me.

even if i did hurt her,
nothing will change the fact you hurt me,
or how you and me are now.

i still remember ALL the things you did or sacrifice to win my heart,
and it all ended up like this.
i still dont understand what i did to ever deserve this.

♥azi / 9:40 AM

in all the goodness in being a nurse, we actually have shitty lives.
ok maybe, I, have a shitty live.

in the hospital bombarded with crazy crazy situations. and sometimes need to report for other ppl's mishaps cos it was ME who found the problem, all of this, in the name of patient safety. totally undst.. then trying to satisfy superiors and patients, projects piling up..

out of the hospital, relationships with people are compromised due to the shift work.

and all you need in the end of the day, is a good chat with someone. but, will always end up thinkin about work, cos its what I breathe. always worry if the medication was given or not, or the appointment has been obtained, or the chemo regime has been faxed.

sometimes, i need to have space from work. but work keeps chasing me.

for the pass few days, i encounter nurses friends who are unable to save their relationship due to work. what can we do, right? we cant help it. we have no control in that. all we ask for is a little understanding. maybe, it was too much to ask.

sigh. nurses, have shitty lives.

ps: maybe some of you nurses dont think it that way, i am glad for you, but im jus talking in general.

♥azi / 12:57 AM

i think im enjoying night drives.
with good music blasting, short supper...

and next time, a little stargazing at a new found place.


sigh.

how i wish it could be with ......

♥azi / 8:48 PM

shorter hair and lesser facial hair, definitely better.
heh. I think McDreamy is in trouble..
HAHA.
By the way it's Howard Donald from Take That.
doodeedoooo.

♥azi / 12:34 PM

yazid's smile and cheeeeeeeeky facial expressions so addictive.
it makes u want to smile and be cheeky too.
HAHA.



(taken from Kak Hetz's blog)

♥azi / 11:38 PM

This song is so sedih.
:(

----

Take That - I'd Wait For Life




There's a place we used to be
There's a face that I used to see
There's a picture with you by my side
There's a moment that I want to find.

I don't know where to start
Or how to begin
But I know I love you still.

If you ever turn away
If you ever change your mind
If the road ahead becomes too hard to climb
If there's something in your heart that tells you to stop
Oh to hold you close tonight
I'd wait for life.

There's a voice shouting inside my head
There's a space on your side of the bed
There's a hope everytime there's a sound
There's a silence that's playing too loud

I don't know where you are
Or how you may be
But I know I love you still.

If I close my eyes
I'll dream a little deeper baby
'Cause you are always on my mind
Yeah you are always on my mind
For life

----

Sniff.

♥azi / 10:28 PM

I feel like hearing to Take That songs.
and one of the songs "Love Ain't Here Anymore". yeah, kinda depressing title and lyrics. It cracked me up when i watched the video. The constant hand movement at the face. I think its very .... abstract and contemporary-ish and "happy". Hee.

To think Robbie Williams from this band.
khekhekhe!!

I love the song nonetheless. I really don't mind singing this song.



oh check this out too. hee.
sigh. i remembered how much i enjoyed their songs.
alamak, cant stand the hair larrrrrh.

and you, please go get a haircut.



watch their latest video.
some parts are still the same. hehe.
oh, its a soundtrack from Stardust. i loved the movie.
remember?



the lyrics to this song is so ... magical? mystical? like so special.
the stars are coming out tonight,
they're lighting up the sky tonight,
for you.

so nice gitu if that really happen. kan?

♥azi / 9:46 PM

anyone up for a little drive tomoro night?
pls gimme a call.


no kidding.

♥azi / 9:23 PM

it's midweek, and by far, its been CRAZY.
C-R-A-Z-Y.

i do not want to end up being a workaholic.

and today, could have been a special day.
i guess, it doesnt exist that way anymore huh.
sigh.

♥azi / 11:58 PM

Work today has shown me, sometimes, there can be no words to express love.

One of my young patients suddenly turned ill, and i was pretty stunned. no matter how much i try not to show it, everyone knows. cos it's my first time facing such tragedy.
The least i could do, was update the mother of patient.

At first, she is calm and expressionless. But i know, inside, she's crying for help.

So, when i updated her, she started to hold my hand, hug, and cry. cry her heart out. cry her hearts' content.
And i can only hug her tight, and tell her, her son will be okay. In God's will, he will. It isnt helping, when i am already tattered and torn inside. I have no choice, but to be professional.

I was too stunned and shocked to express anything.
Not until, after work.

Death comes anytime, to anyone, anyhow. No matter how smart you are to pick up the signs, if death comes, it'll be there. No second chance to hold the person's hand, to kiss them, to watch tv with them, or fight over the PC, or call to say Hi...

or tell them, you love them.

So here i am, telling you, especially you, that i love you. no matter how tattered and torn i am, how mean, how rude, how repulsive, how (add anything negative) i am, i love you. with all my heart. all of you..


I hope im able to pass this little message to all of you. Tell your loved ones, you love them all the time and live life to the fullest. you dont even have to tell them if you dont want to, maybe leave little message in their wallet, on the fridge, hold their hand, or just be with them.
cos you'll never know when death will be coming for you/them.

ps: my patient is stable now. Thank God.

♥azi / 11:01 PM

One of my patients kinda made my day.
Kinda ...
----
I went into patient's room to check chemo.

Me: Hello! :D -wave- Im back!!
Patient: Hello!! :) you're back, it's you again...
Me: Whyy.. you dont sound happy to see me :(
Patient: Haha! I didnt say that. You reminds me of an elementary school student. Primary sch? So playful and cheeky. Oh, like one of the students I taught. She's very pretty, like you. And smart. Which you are too.. And very very young and youthful. Like you also lar!
Me: Awww. You're making me blush. -face feels warrrmmm-
Patient: Hahaha! See see, so cheeky. But you are a good nurse, very smart too. If you have boyfriend, he is a lucky man. very lucky, cos you're a very good person. you make ppl at ease with your smile. and no matter how stupid he is, he is smart enough to choose you...
Me & colleague: Erm .... -awkward silence-
Patient: OH! and if you are not, don't worry, he's just shy. He'll be around soon. I'll pray for you, cos you deserve a good person who in turn, can take care of you.. -BIG SMILE-
Me: Aww.. thank you.. Thank you. That's very nice of you.. I hope so too. Thank you..

-silence-

Me: Alright, chemo time!!

i was obviously, speechless. and a little overwhelmed. and felt a tiny bit like tearing. sigh.

----

And my parents, HAS GOT TO STOP ASKING ABOUT the breakup.
no, seriously! they are not helping!
just, STOP ASKING.
i guess they didn't understand when i told them not to ask anything about it/him. gawd, get over it lar. (look who's talking..... lalala)

♥azi / 10:51 PM

EH WOMAN!
Happy (advance) 21st boobday ar!
yes, Haya's bday is the same as my little superhero.
HAAA.



maid in the making.

♥azi / 10:26 PM

My Little Superhero, Yazid.
He's turning one tomoro.
yes, he will always be my little superhero.


guess who bit this. no price for guessing. =p




okay, it's all about the aunty and yazid. im actually dressed for work. but too bummed cos i still want more doses of yazid!!! and i guess, he got the cheeks from me. HAAA. yeah right. -rolls eyes-


Yazid must be thinking,"Ape sajer lar makcik aku ni. Pegi keje larrrr."



He finds joy in the most .... nonsensical things, like baby wipes.

♥azi / 3:02 AM

It's a good way to start the week. good talk yeah...

so, it's been a month now. how time flies, huh?
and how am i now?
sigh.

♥azi / 1:20 AM

Shit.
Should not have listen to Baby It's You by The Beatles.

Shit. Shit. Shit.
Damn it.

♥azi / 12:41 AM

1oooth post



oh yes, well spent day with the bestest best girlfriend ever, Ain
=D

hope you had fun getting lost with me. HAHA!

♥azi / 12:45 AM

i'll eventually achieve my goal.
i know i will.


im staying.

♥azi / 4:33 AM

Mama: WAH! takder orang! kiter first! best nyer, ok, mari pergi McDonald, mama nak makan nugget.
Me: Err, are you sure kat Terminal 2?
Abah: Entah mak kau tu, skali Terminal 3.
Mama: Terminal 2! confirm.

(after one meal, 1 coffee, 1 sprite, 1 tea, and epok-epok, we received a call)

Mama: Eh! Izan kat mana!
(talks on the fone)
Mama: HUH! dah sampai?! aeroplane dah land?! KAT TERMINAL 3!!
(Me and dad look at each other and LOL)
Mama: Arh, okokok, (hangs up) Abang cakap kat Terminal 3!!!
Me: Yeah, kiter tahu..

My mom was so glad she was the first one. Padahal padahal.
When we reached Terminal 3, ho and behold the huge-ass crowd lar.
And mom HAS to say, "Eh eh, bodoh nyer kiter.... HAHAHA"

-_- rite.

Well, not many people know it was at T3. Cos along the way, we "pick up" people who were like us, still has that question mark faces. And somehow, dad is being helpful and asked if they were waiting for SQ 8011. Sungguh friendly eh?


so pretty right? sigh. its a HUGE place, (piazza? hehe) and its very pretty. i imagine getting propose in the middle of all this, and an aeroplane with "ad" asking me to marry whoever, then got announcement, then the departure/arrival board showed a proposal in progress. HAAAAHA. like fucking dream on lar eh. but that would be nice. SIGH.


yeah, this is where all the people go mama, TERMINAL 3.






this shopping thing, it runs in the blood. my brother went shopping, and brought back 11 luggages/bags back. way to go abang!


Ni budaks plan tak nak pegi sch.. Naughty girls.


M.C.K (Mak Cik Kpo) talking.



Look at the time, 3.40am?


I was being helpful, no seriously. i was... you know, standby in case anyone collapse or get some papercuts, being all nurse-y. minus the sexy scrubs.

So anyway, after seeing the people working at the airport, and how nice it is to work in the world renowned airport, and meeting all the pretty people, i suddenly have thoughts for a career change..... JENG JENG JENG.
HMM. Oh-oh i think i got that bug too. yikes!

I swear, i am going to start travelling. I dont care, im gona go take the damn aeroplane to ... wherever affordable during one of my annual leaves (March/June/Sept/Dec).
ANYONE INTERESTED? pls contact me. only applies to those whom i know. and YES, i am desperate.

ANYWAY,
WELCOME BACK ABANG BIG AND KAK WATI! woooohhooo!

♥azi / 10:57 PM

Oh yes, i meant what i said.
and, i do. i still do. i really really do.

and hello to headaches, i kinda miss them too.
i know my new year's resolution is to eat the damn painkillers when im in pain or aching.but for once, i feel i have something to focus on or get distracted; this headaches.

so, no painkillers for me. i feel great without it.

i shall get ready to head to the airport.

♥azi / 6:08 AM

ARGH.
I cant bloody sleep! Why cant i jus sleep?!!!
WHY....!!

sighhhh.

♥azi / 11:25 AM

All the questions still stands...
I guess being good, understanding, patient, selfless, loving, grateful and many more, just wasn't enough.

♥azi / 5:21 PM

My last round of night tonight. Such a relief. It feels like its been ages man.
And i give up trying to sleep. Cos i cant.
I'm tired, but i cant sleep.

Screwed up body clock.

Dang.

♥azi / 11:31 AM

Let me express again on how much i love the morning.

Especially when im going home from work. So i will always walk home from the station. I love how's the morning rush, seeing the plants freshly dewed, with the morning sun against my skin, giving it a nice warmth feeling against the cool breeze. A simple breakfast of tea and prata would make it perfect - almost perfect, that is.

Each time I reach the station, I'm always tempted to grab some breakfast. i guess, my heart and mind seeks a different thing. at the back of my mind, i always have that tiny tiniest hope in bumping into you/catch a glimpse of you. I know it wont happened, but, somehow, i still have that tiny hope of light burning.

Just, tiny.

On a lighter note, i accidentally injured myself too much this week due to carelessness and being blur. I shall blame the post night syndromes.

♥azi / 12:02 PM

The Heart of the Matter

In life only one thing is certain, apart from death and taxes: No matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. You are going to hurt people. You are going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover, theres really only one thing you can say... - Meredith, Grey's Anatomy [4.4]

-----

to know the continuation, wait till the episode comes out. or do your own search. cos the continuation, from the bottom of my broken heart, that is what i am doing/saying.

♥azi / 10:20 AM

i have this habit where i'll frown when im doing ... anything. sms, reading, eating, browsing or any other things that requires full concentration. even blood taking/cannulation. i didn't do it on purpose, it just happen naturally. and sometimes, it just happen unknowingly. that's when people will think im stress, but in actual fact, im not.

and most of those times, you'll watch me eat and wait for me to frown. when it happened, you'll gently touch my forehead, smile and said,"Don't frown, sayang. Nanti cepat tua, how?" Just by saying that, you made me smile.

so now each time when i realised i frown, it reminded me of you.
how you looked, your smile, your touch, how tickled you were when i frown right after the second you told me not to, how conscious i felt knowing you're watching from the corner of your eye, how you threatened to do something to me if i did ...

so now, im trying to kick the bad habit.
so much so, i almost look ... blank.
or empty. cos i cannot find anything to make me smile or fume with anger. i tried my best, but i duno why it failed. and even if it did, it faded quickly. i appreciate what all of my friends are doing, but ultimately i have to help myself. i guess, its tougher than i tot.

so, what's left is just sadness filled my eyes.



All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you.

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess

♥azi / 4:44 PM

Made of Honour





McDreamy!!!!!!!
Not sure when it'll be shown in SG. But i sure wana catch this man.
Sigh. Just take a look at that poster .......................................... I swear to god, im SO gona take a photo of it, with ME beside him and not that woman, when the huge-ass poster is out. I don care man!

Alamak, hamsham siol!

♥azi / 4:44 AM

I love this song.
One of the OST from Enchanted. Featuring my fave Grey's Anatomy actors.

Sigh.

One of the many movies i watched with you.

So close to reaching that famous happy ending.

♥azi / 12:25 PM

The rain that falls,
Splashed in your heart,
Ran like sadness down the window into your room...

-The Space Between by Dave Matthews Band

♥azi / 2:03 AM

even if you high platelet counts,
or how fast your blood clotting time are,

it doesn't apply in the process of healing a broken heart.
in fact, it takes a long long time.

speaking of which, i've had 2436476970 papercuts today. i always have papercuts. ALWAYS. and it's almost always at the damn fucking area! from using plaster, to using a damn gauze. no, i am not exaggerating. this simply shows how much paperwork nurses has to do. and no, im not neglecting the other things we are also required to do.

if the annoying papercuts keeps on bleeding,
i could have died a slow death.

pretty much what im feeling nowadays.

♥azi / 12:56 AM

why cant my ward be neighbours with the surgical or hand surgery or ortho team? and being stranded in a solo (HA! solo. -roll eyes-) bulding is SO not happening.

it'll be very interesting to have something unpredictable happen. no, this does not include patient collapsing, or medication error. thank you. i was thinkin more like, McDreamy appearrrrrrrrrrrrr. McDreamy appear and ask me out for chocolate buffet!!!!!!!!

LALALA.

sigh. i know, hopeless.

♥azi / 9:46 AM

You know the movie PS. I Love You? i kinda mentioned it before. I knew it, when it'll be in theatres. I jus freaking knew it!!! Sigh.

It'll be in cinemas on Valentine's Day 14th Feb.

-__________________-

i SO WANT TO WATCH that movie on the day it's out! and looks like, i NEED to find someone to watch it with, provided you dont have a date/attached. Cos if you do/are, im sure you want to catch it with your him/her. Trust me, a good show to catch with your sexy bf/gf. And if you do/are, i do not want to be a lamp post when i watch it. Sheesh.

So, indirectly, i'm helping you lovebirdies plan your Vday in advance. (That is if you want to catch a movie lar.)

Of all days. Jeez. Damn it! DAMN IT.

♥azi / 11:17 PM

♥azi / 1:14 AM

it's been a while.

♥azi / 11:45 PM

/ 4:52 PM

my all time favourite coldplay song, baby!
the lyrics are amazing.

I'm going back to the start.
:)

/ 2:46 AM

Oh, remember i mentioned before about one of my patients did a Death Star from Lego? well, he passed on yesterday morning.

sigh.

May the heavens be with you, sir

/ 2:34 AM

oops. guessed i watched it already.
BUT i dont mind watching AGAIN!!!!. hur hur.
=D

im not going to lie that we cried our eyes out. coz we did.
and i used the most tissues. HAAA. thanks to our mr. ex president for supplying for me the tissues when i dropped by his workplace.

i feel that the movie is a sign for me lar.
no, really. not only for me i guess, for other ppl too.
but especially for me =p HAA.

it was one of the best cries ever.
cos you know there are other people crying in the theater for the same reason.
macam mass crying session.

doodeedoo.

/ 11:04 PM

i'll be sure to bring extra tissues tomorrow.

/ 10:46 PM

oh yes,
i still very much feel the same way as before.

/ 11:21 PM

oh crap. i shud sleep.
but i cant, cos i refuse to take the drowsy medication. jus cos it makes me drowsy and high. i was having double vision for while, and light-headed. haha.

(pictures from today)




no i wasnt crying.




this is from last saturday.
featuring the dude Q-ing behind us. thanks arh. hehe





i need answers. please give me reasons/explanations.

/ 11:13 PM

night drive is the best thing ever man..
ever ever.
the best.

im up if anyone wana join. just call to check if im working or not. haha. dn have my number? jus ... email me or something. oh, it'll be great if you can read maps in case we got lost. hehe.

and haya,
you NEED to improve your map reading skills.

seriously.

/ 8:59 PM

Will be screened in Feb08.
Not sure if it'll be in Sg by then.
And hopefully the religious controversy won't prevent it from being screened here.

/ 8:42 PM

This is what happens when Syukri can't throw his toys around.
Oh, and Alya (M.C.K) just wont stop asking for you.

/ 4:48 PM

went for fitting for the new uniform last wed.

OMG lar. its super tak style to the max. i swear to God, i rather wear the NYP uniform (which i miss wearing. heh). seriously! its so ..... bleah!
boo boo!!!

erks.
URTI sucks. my throat is swarmed with ulcers, that i cant even swallow my own saliva. paaiiinffuullll *cries* and when i did, i feel like puking.

-WAILS-

aku pilu dan sakit.
oh di maner, wahai McDreamy ku?

/ 11:38 AM

when your family doctor notice you are depressed, it means, you are really really sick. holistically sick. sigh.

/ 11:44 PM

i never felt so GLAD to feel superbly sleepy at this hour.
this is good.

after so long, my body is responding, and going against me by making me fall sick.

/ 10:13 PM

looks like the one who takes care of the sick, is caught up with the flu bug.
now that sucks.

im blaming the prata BOMB!

/ 10:27 AM

i love mornings.

/ 1:23 AM

ARGH. yes i am jealous, cos some people are going to watch the private screening of Yasmin Ahmad's "Muallaf" tomoro.

GRRRRR.

nvm dude, I know your lil secret with Kak Yasmin.
=p just joking.

enjoy, boys..


PS: Oh yeah, PS I Love You, here we come!

/ 1:15 AM

/ 10:48 PM

the course i went for today kinda ended beautifully, and quite depressingly. cos they touched topic on "End of Life/Death & Dying". it's nothing new in my line, but, its quite emotionally challenging for me.

my mind and thoughts were kinda dozing in and out, until the lecturer said something that got me thinking;

"Why give flowers after flowers during the funeral? I mean, it is fine to show your condolences. But, the deceased won't be there to see them in person, nor you are able to see their reaction when you give them. Why not show them your care, concern and love when they are still alive.. Wouldnt it be more meaningful?"

There were a few times where i almost teared.
Maybe thats the other reason why i am wide awake - trying to control my tears.

/ 10:23 PM

I don't understand how some people can be SO rude or ungrateful or unappreciative after ALL the things we did for them. No, im not asking them to kiss my hand and bow to me or start building Death Star using Lego (come by my ward, and you'll see one of them. yes, there's more than one. that's why you're in mind every single day) , but at least show a decent sign of appreciation. Or just a friggin smile lar, sial.

Instead they shout for no apparent reason, or attempt to throw things. Wat the fuck?! Like, we are humans with feelings and problems too motherfuckers! I swear, i would throw something too. But i was being professional, and swallowing my anger.

I mean, really now. Don't their parents teach them some values?
Memang kurang ajar.
Literally.

On days like these, it's nice to know there's someone to fall back to.

Like i said, nurses have shitty lives.
I had a goddamn shitty, fking shitty week.
But the shitty-ness kinda began on last Dec, and lingered on till ... now.

I longed for a good sleep.
Like, dreamless and uninterrupted sleep. Ear plugs and Piriton dont work either. Perhaps Piriton only works when you're sick. Sigh. I still cant snooze. In fact, im tired of closing my eyes trying to sleep. And im having the PM/AM/PM/AM shift, so sleep is what i neeeeeeeed. ARGH. Then tomoro got course, like. WOW. room filled with 30 raging and menopausal hormones (i saw the name list, there's 30 female nurses attending it -__________- not in a mood to socialise and talk about Birkenstock shoes or the latest NTUC Union offers).

how about that huh? save me anyone? please.

SHITE.

/ 9:56 PM

oh yeah baby,
im all prepared for Friday's mission.

from dusk to dawn.
rain or shine.
and will appreciate the art of travelling light.

lucky it's also a pay-day. amin.

/ 11:26 PM

the only fear i have now is when the night approaches.
no, not becos of the evil bugs that crawl in my lingerie drawer.

just, getting through the night, is the most challenging thing i ever have to do.
getting through it, without waking up with swollen eyes. or with tissues everywhere.

without breaking.

it is the hardest thing to do, now, every day.

/ 10:14 PM

i love long walks.

especially after work.
especially after night and afternoon shift.

it helps to clear (sort-of) my mind. and then start having depressing thoughts and eventually cry. but the main reason is becos of the sky.

like tonight, the moon. its so bright, it lit up the clouds surrounding it, making it as beautiful and significant as the moon. very pretty dont you think? ironically, the moon isnt that pretty upclose. some areas have impacted craters, featureless plains.

just like this girl i know. nah, she's not as pretty as the moon from far.
but the state of her inside, is as messed up as the surface of the moon.

especially, her heart.

/ 10:13 PM

i miss school.

/ 1:28 AM

ok im going to do what i had always ALWAYS planned to do.

stargaze.

lie on a mat, with bubbles,
Jason Mraz's Bella Luna playing in the background.
or John Mayer songs.
or Take That songs.

and a box of tissues just in case.

provided its a good weather.

and ... it's just too bad lah kan for me to be this way.
sigh.

"The many bubbles
That we blew
They’re like my troubles
Away, they flew"

/ 1:03 AM

half of the time, i want to just fucking slap that other girl.
i swear, i wanted to. i wanted to make a freaking scene.
i wanted to really bash her up. i really wanted to kill her.
i really wanted to hurt her, badly.

i know, i could.

it angers me knowing what she did.
it saddens me knowing it was with you,
when you were still with me.

even if i did hurt her,
nothing will change the fact you hurt me,
or how you and me are now.

i still remember ALL the things you did or sacrifice to win my heart,
and it all ended up like this.
i still dont understand what i did to ever deserve this.

/ 9:40 AM

in all the goodness in being a nurse, we actually have shitty lives.
ok maybe, I, have a shitty live.

in the hospital bombarded with crazy crazy situations. and sometimes need to report for other ppl's mishaps cos it was ME who found the problem, all of this, in the name of patient safety. totally undst.. then trying to satisfy superiors and patients, projects piling up..

out of the hospital, relationships with people are compromised due to the shift work.

and all you need in the end of the day, is a good chat with someone. but, will always end up thinkin about work, cos its what I breathe. always worry if the medication was given or not, or the appointment has been obtained, or the chemo regime has been faxed.

sometimes, i need to have space from work. but work keeps chasing me.

for the pass few days, i encounter nurses friends who are unable to save their relationship due to work. what can we do, right? we cant help it. we have no control in that. all we ask for is a little understanding. maybe, it was too much to ask.

sigh. nurses, have shitty lives.

ps: maybe some of you nurses dont think it that way, i am glad for you, but im jus talking in general.

/ 12:57 AM

i think im enjoying night drives.
with good music blasting, short supper...

and next time, a little stargazing at a new found place.


sigh.

how i wish it could be with ......

/ 8:48 PM

shorter hair and lesser facial hair, definitely better.
heh. I think McDreamy is in trouble..
HAHA.
By the way it's Howard Donald from Take That.
doodeedoooo.

/ 12:34 PM

yazid's smile and cheeeeeeeeky facial expressions so addictive.
it makes u want to smile and be cheeky too.
HAHA.



(taken from Kak Hetz's blog)

/ 11:38 PM

This song is so sedih.
:(

----

Take That - I'd Wait For Life




There's a place we used to be
There's a face that I used to see
There's a picture with you by my side
There's a moment that I want to find.

I don't know where to start
Or how to begin
But I know I love you still.

If you ever turn away
If you ever change your mind
If the road ahead becomes too hard to climb
If there's something in your heart that tells you to stop
Oh to hold you close tonight
I'd wait for life.

There's a voice shouting inside my head
There's a space on your side of the bed
There's a hope everytime there's a sound
There's a silence that's playing too loud

I don't know where you are
Or how you may be
But I know I love you still.

If I close my eyes
I'll dream a little deeper baby
'Cause you are always on my mind
Yeah you are always on my mind
For life

----

Sniff.

/ 10:28 PM

I feel like hearing to Take That songs.
and one of the songs "Love Ain't Here Anymore". yeah, kinda depressing title and lyrics. It cracked me up when i watched the video. The constant hand movement at the face. I think its very .... abstract and contemporary-ish and "happy". Hee.

To think Robbie Williams from this band.
khekhekhe!!

I love the song nonetheless. I really don't mind singing this song.



oh check this out too. hee.
sigh. i remembered how much i enjoyed their songs.
alamak, cant stand the hair larrrrrh.

and you, please go get a haircut.



watch their latest video.
some parts are still the same. hehe.
oh, its a soundtrack from Stardust. i loved the movie.
remember?



the lyrics to this song is so ... magical? mystical? like so special.
the stars are coming out tonight,
they're lighting up the sky tonight,
for you.

so nice gitu if that really happen. kan?

/ 9:46 PM

anyone up for a little drive tomoro night?
pls gimme a call.


no kidding.

/ 9:23 PM

it's midweek, and by far, its been CRAZY.
C-R-A-Z-Y.

i do not want to end up being a workaholic.

and today, could have been a special day.
i guess, it doesnt exist that way anymore huh.
sigh.

/ 11:58 PM

Work today has shown me, sometimes, there can be no words to express love.

One of my young patients suddenly turned ill, and i was pretty stunned. no matter how much i try not to show it, everyone knows. cos it's my first time facing such tragedy.
The least i could do, was update the mother of patient.

At first, she is calm and expressionless. But i know, inside, she's crying for help.

So, when i updated her, she started to hold my hand, hug, and cry. cry her heart out. cry her hearts' content.
And i can only hug her tight, and tell her, her son will be okay. In God's will, he will. It isnt helping, when i am already tattered and torn inside. I have no choice, but to be professional.

I was too stunned and shocked to express anything.
Not until, after work.

Death comes anytime, to anyone, anyhow. No matter how smart you are to pick up the signs, if death comes, it'll be there. No second chance to hold the person's hand, to kiss them, to watch tv with them, or fight over the PC, or call to say Hi...

or tell them, you love them.

So here i am, telling you, especially you, that i love you. no matter how tattered and torn i am, how mean, how rude, how repulsive, how (add anything negative) i am, i love you. with all my heart. all of you..


I hope im able to pass this little message to all of you. Tell your loved ones, you love them all the time and live life to the fullest. you dont even have to tell them if you dont want to, maybe leave little message in their wallet, on the fridge, hold their hand, or just be with them.
cos you'll never know when death will be coming for you/them.

ps: my patient is stable now. Thank God.

/ 11:01 PM

One of my patients kinda made my day.
Kinda ...
----
I went into patient's room to check chemo.

Me: Hello! :D -wave- Im back!!
Patient: Hello!! :) you're back, it's you again...
Me: Whyy.. you dont sound happy to see me :(
Patient: Haha! I didnt say that. You reminds me of an elementary school student. Primary sch? So playful and cheeky. Oh, like one of the students I taught. She's very pretty, like you. And smart. Which you are too.. And very very young and youthful. Like you also lar!
Me: Awww. You're making me blush. -face feels warrrmmm-
Patient: Hahaha! See see, so cheeky. But you are a good nurse, very smart too. If you have boyfriend, he is a lucky man. very lucky, cos you're a very good person. you make ppl at ease with your smile. and no matter how stupid he is, he is smart enough to choose you...
Me & colleague: Erm .... -awkward silence-
Patient: OH! and if you are not, don't worry, he's just shy. He'll be around soon. I'll pray for you, cos you deserve a good person who in turn, can take care of you.. -BIG SMILE-
Me: Aww.. thank you.. Thank you. That's very nice of you.. I hope so too. Thank you..

-silence-

Me: Alright, chemo time!!

i was obviously, speechless. and a little overwhelmed. and felt a tiny bit like tearing. sigh.

----

And my parents, HAS GOT TO STOP ASKING ABOUT the breakup.
no, seriously! they are not helping!
just, STOP ASKING.
i guess they didn't understand when i told them not to ask anything about it/him. gawd, get over it lar. (look who's talking..... lalala)

/ 10:51 PM

EH WOMAN!
Happy (advance) 21st boobday ar!
yes, Haya's bday is the same as my little superhero.
HAAA.



maid in the making.

/ 10:26 PM

My Little Superhero, Yazid.
He's turning one tomoro.
yes, he will always be my little superhero.


guess who bit this. no price for guessing. =p




okay, it's all about the aunty and yazid. im actually dressed for work. but too bummed cos i still want more doses of yazid!!! and i guess, he got the cheeks from me. HAAA. yeah right. -rolls eyes-


Yazid must be thinking,"Ape sajer lar makcik aku ni. Pegi keje larrrr."



He finds joy in the most .... nonsensical things, like baby wipes.

/ 3:02 AM

It's a good way to start the week. good talk yeah...

so, it's been a month now. how time flies, huh?
and how am i now?
sigh.

/ 1:20 AM

Shit.
Should not have listen to Baby It's You by The Beatles.

Shit. Shit. Shit.
Damn it.

/ 12:41 AM

1oooth post



oh yes, well spent day with the bestest best girlfriend ever, Ain
=D

hope you had fun getting lost with me. HAHA!

/ 12:45 AM

i'll eventually achieve my goal.
i know i will.


im staying.

/ 4:33 AM

Mama: WAH! takder orang! kiter first! best nyer, ok, mari pergi McDonald, mama nak makan nugget.
Me: Err, are you sure kat Terminal 2?
Abah: Entah mak kau tu, skali Terminal 3.
Mama: Terminal 2! confirm.

(after one meal, 1 coffee, 1 sprite, 1 tea, and epok-epok, we received a call)

Mama: Eh! Izan kat mana!
(talks on the fone)
Mama: HUH! dah sampai?! aeroplane dah land?! KAT TERMINAL 3!!
(Me and dad look at each other and LOL)
Mama: Arh, okokok, (hangs up) Abang cakap kat Terminal 3!!!
Me: Yeah, kiter tahu..

My mom was so glad she was the first one. Padahal padahal.
When we reached Terminal 3, ho and behold the huge-ass crowd lar.
And mom HAS to say, "Eh eh, bodoh nyer kiter.... HAHAHA"

-_- rite.

Well, not many people know it was at T3. Cos along the way, we "pick up" people who were like us, still has that question mark faces. And somehow, dad is being helpful and asked if they were waiting for SQ 8011. Sungguh friendly eh?


so pretty right? sigh. its a HUGE place, (piazza? hehe) and its very pretty. i imagine getting propose in the middle of all this, and an aeroplane with "ad" asking me to marry whoever, then got announcement, then the departure/arrival board showed a proposal in progress. HAAAAHA. like fucking dream on lar eh. but that would be nice. SIGH.


yeah, this is where all the people go mama, TERMINAL 3.






this shopping thing, it runs in the blood. my brother went shopping, and brought back 11 luggages/bags back. way to go abang!


Ni budaks plan tak nak pegi sch.. Naughty girls.


M.C.K (Mak Cik Kpo) talking.



Look at the time, 3.40am?


I was being helpful, no seriously. i was... you know, standby in case anyone collapse or get some papercuts, being all nurse-y. minus the sexy scrubs.

So anyway, after seeing the people working at the airport, and how nice it is to work in the world renowned airport, and meeting all the pretty people, i suddenly have thoughts for a career change..... JENG JENG JENG.
HMM. Oh-oh i think i got that bug too. yikes!

I swear, i am going to start travelling. I dont care, im gona go take the damn aeroplane to ... wherever affordable during one of my annual leaves (March/June/Sept/Dec).
ANYONE INTERESTED? pls contact me. only applies to those whom i know. and YES, i am desperate.

ANYWAY,
WELCOME BACK ABANG BIG AND KAK WATI! woooohhooo!

/ 10:57 PM

Oh yes, i meant what i said.
and, i do. i still do. i really really do.

and hello to headaches, i kinda miss them too.
i know my new year's resolution is to eat the damn painkillers when im in pain or aching.but for once, i feel i have something to focus on or get distracted; this headaches.

so, no painkillers for me. i feel great without it.

i shall get ready to head to the airport.

/ 6:08 AM

ARGH.
I cant bloody sleep! Why cant i jus sleep?!!!
WHY....!!

sighhhh.

/ 11:25 AM

All the questions still stands...
I guess being good, understanding, patient, selfless, loving, grateful and many more, just wasn't enough.

/ 5:21 PM

My last round of night tonight. Such a relief. It feels like its been ages man.
And i give up trying to sleep. Cos i cant.
I'm tired, but i cant sleep.

Screwed up body clock.

Dang.

/ 11:31 AM

Let me express again on how much i love the morning.

Especially when im going home from work. So i will always walk home from the station. I love how's the morning rush, seeing the plants freshly dewed, with the morning sun against my skin, giving it a nice warmth feeling against the cool breeze. A simple breakfast of tea and prata would make it perfect - almost perfect, that is.

Each time I reach the station, I'm always tempted to grab some breakfast. i guess, my heart and mind seeks a different thing. at the back of my mind, i always have that tiny tiniest hope in bumping into you/catch a glimpse of you. I know it wont happened, but, somehow, i still have that tiny hope of light burning.

Just, tiny.

On a lighter note, i accidentally injured myself too much this week due to carelessness and being blur. I shall blame the post night syndromes.

/ 12:02 PM

The Heart of the Matter

In life only one thing is certain, apart from death and taxes: No matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. You are going to hurt people. You are going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover, theres really only one thing you can say... - Meredith, Grey's Anatomy [4.4]

-----

to know the continuation, wait till the episode comes out. or do your own search. cos the continuation, from the bottom of my broken heart, that is what i am doing/saying.

/ 10:20 AM

i have this habit where i'll frown when im doing ... anything. sms, reading, eating, browsing or any other things that requires full concentration. even blood taking/cannulation. i didn't do it on purpose, it just happen naturally. and sometimes, it just happen unknowingly. that's when people will think im stress, but in actual fact, im not.

and most of those times, you'll watch me eat and wait for me to frown. when it happened, you'll gently touch my forehead, smile and said,"Don't frown, sayang. Nanti cepat tua, how?" Just by saying that, you made me smile.

so now each time when i realised i frown, it reminded me of you.
how you looked, your smile, your touch, how tickled you were when i frown right after the second you told me not to, how conscious i felt knowing you're watching from the corner of your eye, how you threatened to do something to me if i did ...

so now, im trying to kick the bad habit.
so much so, i almost look ... blank.
or empty. cos i cannot find anything to make me smile or fume with anger. i tried my best, but i duno why it failed. and even if it did, it faded quickly. i appreciate what all of my friends are doing, but ultimately i have to help myself. i guess, its tougher than i tot.

so, what's left is just sadness filled my eyes.



All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you.

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess

/ 4:44 PM

Made of Honour





McDreamy!!!!!!!
Not sure when it'll be shown in SG. But i sure wana catch this man.
Sigh. Just take a look at that poster .......................................... I swear to god, im SO gona take a photo of it, with ME beside him and not that woman, when the huge-ass poster is out. I don care man!

Alamak, hamsham siol!

/ 4:44 AM

I love this song.
One of the OST from Enchanted. Featuring my fave Grey's Anatomy actors.

Sigh.

One of the many movies i watched with you.

So close to reaching that famous happy ending.

/ 12:25 PM

The rain that falls,
Splashed in your heart,
Ran like sadness down the window into your room...

-The Space Between by Dave Matthews Band

/ 2:03 AM

even if you high platelet counts,
or how fast your blood clotting time are,

it doesn't apply in the process of healing a broken heart.
in fact, it takes a long long time.

speaking of which, i've had 2436476970 papercuts today. i always have papercuts. ALWAYS. and it's almost always at the damn fucking area! from using plaster, to using a damn gauze. no, i am not exaggerating. this simply shows how much paperwork nurses has to do. and no, im not neglecting the other things we are also required to do.

if the annoying papercuts keeps on bleeding,
i could have died a slow death.

pretty much what im feeling nowadays.

/ 12:56 AM

why cant my ward be neighbours with the surgical or hand surgery or ortho team? and being stranded in a solo (HA! solo. -roll eyes-) bulding is SO not happening.

it'll be very interesting to have something unpredictable happen. no, this does not include patient collapsing, or medication error. thank you. i was thinkin more like, McDreamy appearrrrrrrrrrrrr. McDreamy appear and ask me out for chocolate buffet!!!!!!!!

LALALA.

sigh. i know, hopeless.

/ 9:46 AM

You know the movie PS. I Love You? i kinda mentioned it before. I knew it, when it'll be in theatres. I jus freaking knew it!!! Sigh.

It'll be in cinemas on Valentine's Day 14th Feb.

-__________________-

i SO WANT TO WATCH that movie on the day it's out! and looks like, i NEED to find someone to watch it with, provided you dont have a date/attached. Cos if you do/are, im sure you want to catch it with your him/her. Trust me, a good show to catch with your sexy bf/gf. And if you do/are, i do not want to be a lamp post when i watch it. Sheesh.

So, indirectly, i'm helping you lovebirdies plan your Vday in advance. (That is if you want to catch a movie lar.)

Of all days. Jeez. Damn it! DAMN IT.

/ 11:17 PM

/ 1:14 AM

it's been a while.

/ 11:45 PM